If you’ve known me for a while, you’ll know that I start a new blog with grand intentions of transforming my life through writing. I’ve learned throughout the course of my life that all of the grand intentions and the proclamations that I’m going to to change my life are meaningless unless I commit to following through no matter what obstacles arise. Until this point, I have lacked that follow through entirely. I would cut and run as soon as the going got tough, even if I appeared to still be on track externally.
I’ve announced, “This is it! I’m in recovery and I’m well on my way!” more times than I can count over the last decade, so when some people hear it now, I’m sure that there are doubts about whether or not this will last. I, too, have asked myself that question so often in the last two months. I’m doing well…in a way that I never have before…ever. Every day, I wake up and I encounter the same situations that I used to – and (for the most part) I approach them entirely differently.
I’ve been in intensive treatment for my eating disorder for the last six months, and the process is drawing to a close. For the first time in history, I’m leaving treatment with a desire to be well, once and for all. This is it. I. Am. Done. I’ve spent too much time in treatment centers and emergency rooms. I’ve spent too much time alone – just me and my eating disorder. My future, my aspirations, and my values are far too important to me to compromise any longer.
So, what does that mean for me and for this blog? It means that I’m choosing life. I’m choosing to speak my truth – my wholehearted, vulnerable truth – even when I don’t know how it’s going to be recieved. The truth is that I am a worthy human being, and nothing that I do or that anyone else says will ever change that fact. I can speak my truth and still be loved. I can be well and still be cared for. I can sit with my feelings, even when I feel like I’m drowning, and still live to see another day.
This blog is me showing up as my full self. It’s me learning to use my voice – not to say what I think everyone wants to hear, but to say what I need to say. This blog is the megaphone that I am using to proclaim my truth – “Life is messy and it hurts and it sucks and I am so thankful that I am sharing in the human experience, because the joy, love, connection, and laughter in combination with the pain and heartache is what makes life worth living.”