What’s past is prologue, and the world awaits.”
― Lisa Mantchev
A lot has happened over the course of the last few weeks, and at the same time, it seems that I am just living. Living a normal human existence – complete with bumps in the road and victories to be celebrated; with miscommuncations and conflict resolution; illness, and well, more illness. Given the circumstances, I’m living my life the best I know how.
Part of me feels like I have nothing important to say, and another part of me is yearning to shout from every rooftop I pass that life is so much better this way. I’m doing all of these really normal things that wouldn’t seem like a big deal to most people, but to me, I feel like I’m doing them for the first time. For instance, I handed in an assignment on time and I felt like there were fireworks going off inside my soul. I coordinated the Welcome Tent at Homecoming for nine hours and when I got back to my room (despite having incredibly sore feet and being completely exhausted), I had a dance party for one. I’ve called and made difficult doctors appointments, gone back to see the family I lived with in New Hampshire, coordinated transportation for my church, and spent a weekend house/dogsitting. I cut my hair short again. That’s really just a snapshot of what my life has looked like since I went back to school in August. Most of that seems pretty ordinary, but for me it was so much more than that.
I also turned 22 a few weeks ago. (
I tried to write a blog on my birthday, but no such luck.) 22 was by far the most meaningful birthday I’ve had yet. My family came down and surprised me with my best friend. We share our birthday, and it was the first time that we were both well enough to celebrate it together. That weekend will forever go down as one of my favourite weekends of my Gordon experience even though it really had nothing to do with Gordon at all. I will never forget leaving the Rend Collective concert during intermission to go meet my family who had roadtripped down to spend the weekend with me and then having Sarah get out of the van. They left on Sunday, the night before my birthday, and that gave me plenty of time to reflect (a.k.a. cry). Throughout the week, my friends continued to celebrate me and I felt so loved, simply because I’m me.
22 is significant because it’s the first year that I’m actually looking forward to. It’s the first year that I can trust that I won’t spend it trying to destroy my body, and subsequently my life. It’s the first year that I’m allowing myself to own my life and everything that comes along with it. I’m realizing that growing up is not as scary as I thought it was. That realization might have something to do wth the fact that I live on a floor full of 18 year olds while I’m 22. I’ve so appreciated my floor this year though. Those girls are fantastic. 22 is a year of embracing possibilities and savouring the present moment, because there will never be another time in my life that I am filled with such wonder and pride with every little thing that I accomplish.
It’s quad break now, and I don’t think I’ve ever been more thankful. Although life is good, I’m facing some challenges healthwise, so I was more than ready for this weekend to come. I’m actually home right now. I decided that I wanted to come home for break. This is the first time I’ve ever been excited about the the prospect of coming home. Home is a safe haven, finally. It feels right. I fit here in my house with my family and my dogs and my bed. I fit here with Sarah. I don’t want to stay, but this is now a place I can trust will be here waiting for me no matter where I go. After years and years and years of aching for home, I can finally appreciate it for what it is.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now, life is just life. It’s spectacular and awful and everything in between, but mostly it’s just going on.
I can finally resonate with that frequently overused quote by Robert Frost.
“In three words I can sum up everything I know about life: it goes on.”